Sigh. Twitter’s microblogging application has inundated me with waaaay more information about my friends and acquaintances than I would ever, EVER want to know. It’s also schooled me to the many different types of overshare*:

1. The look-at-me-I’m-so-sexy overshare: “Note to self: stop working out in lace boyshorts!”,  “I woke up bc I’m sore from pole la teaz. Damn. I’m trying to be a stripper!! Its hard!!”,  “did this n*gga just hit me up like he got some RANK in my life???? lol!!!! baawwbabahwjkfjha”, “let’s see how desperate these girls get on the day b4 V-day…”

2. The I-don’t-like-ugly-people overshare: “omg, this dude just came up to the desk with the meanest unibrow EVER! I dont even know what he just asked me. i was captivated”,  “I swear the fattest nurses work at S Fulton Medical. Yall better not be taking my grandma’s cookie! I’m watching you!”,  “Just saw this fat girl runnin… It scared me”

3. The I’m-really-horny overshare: “my nuts aint gonna rub themselves…”, “i just wanna put my pen*s on lil mama’s forhead. is that wrong?”, “Bout to check out this famu sex tape lol”

4. The I-can’t-go-5-minutes-without-mentioning-my-boyfriend overshare: “These dudes are a constant reminder that “he’s the f-cking besttt”… they don’t make ’em like that anymore…”, “My boyfriend loves me and he shows it. Tomorrow is going to be a GOOD day.”, “I love you babe!”

5. The I-loved-Chicken-Noodle-Soup-for-the-Soul overshare: “RT @RevRunWisdom: Perfectionism is self abuse to the highest degree… If everything has to be right… something aint”, “Not only is everything gonna be alright, everything is alright. Calm your mind and see the perfection of now!”, “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”

6. The I-just-ate overshare: “Midnight porkchops….”, “I’m forking the sweet potatoe cheesecake right out of the pan… So damn good.”

7. The random-ass-thoughts-that-you-shouldn’t-tell-anyone overshare: “Sometimes i have trouble remembering what i look like when not in front of a mirror”

8. The I-have-such-a-fascinating-life overshare: “Flying rt after a party is the worst. Exhaustion is taking over my body. What a weekend.”, “Getting into it with United airport staff this early in the morning probably isn’t too smart. Lemme stop b4 they red flag me”, “2 hrs from 2010 West Coast time… Hair done, nails done, dress rt, hair rt, make-up bangin… But Bf is in another country.. SHIT”

9. The OMG-I-love-alcohol- overshare: “GoooOoneeeee! I have this 1 friend, the kind who covers the tab & doesn’t tell u n won’t accept u’e $. Ihe f*cking best”, “anybody wanna go to wet wilies? yeah i know its 1045am….i said it! AAANNND WHAT???! “, “More shots…. Shitttttt”

All of these are annoying in different ways.  Number 8 is just showing off.  Number 9 makes me want to ask if you need to start going to AA. Number 5 tells me common sense things that I already know, and all the rest I just don’t give a flying flip about. Still, they generally just make me do this, because they’re fairly harmless:

You DO know you're not funny, right?

Whereas number 3 makes me go like this:

Just shut the f*ck up. I'm not playing, you WILL get slapped!

I mean, the I’m-horny overshare is DISGUSTING–I know we’re grown & have “needs” but why do you feel the need to divulge that you love yourself to sleep every night?  Keep whatever’s going on in your pants to yourself. If it gives you a little more resolve, consider it community service.

See, this is why I prefer person to person contact. People are a lot more considerate when they see/hear an immediate reaction. I just pray that my children, who will be raised in a totally tech-ified society, won’t enter puberty and start sharing their wet dreams at the dinner table…

*To those of you who are sensitive–this is intended to be humorous & taken with a grain of salt.