Boldly Myself

Being your own person can be liberating and scary at the same time. The scary part is the lingering doubts. What happens if you don’t conform, take the safe route, do what’s expected? But that still pales in comparison to owning who you are and what you want. I realize that I’ve spent a lot of my life tip toeing around, trying not to make a fuss, and giving people what I thought they wanted while internally freaking out. I know now that a few things would have turned out differently if I had stood my ground and been more assertive from the start. But everything is a lesson, right?

I’m learning even more as President of my law school’s BLSA chapter. I took the position not just because I needed the resume boost, but because I knew I usually avoid visible leadership positions and I would learn a lot. Lately there have been some murmurings about a few folks finding me unapproachable and “hostile”. A couple years ago I would have either a) bent over backwards trying to seem friendlier and lost sleep over it; or b) dug in my heels and acted purposely ornery (as a Capricorn, I tend toward the ornery). This time? I did a gut check with my friends and laughed it off. You can’t please everybody, and I make a very conscious effort to be personable despite my desire to spend most of my time alone. Some folks are just over sensitive and I don’t have to internalize their issues. Their problem does not have to become my problem. How freeing is that?

My 3L year is also the test of me breaking away from the law school crowd, for real for real. There are networking events left and right but I’m holding myself above the frenzy. I choose very selectively where I do and don’t go based on who I want to meet, what I need to do, what I want to do, and how I feel. Tomorrow there is an alumni cocktail mixer but I won’t make it because I don’t want to use another skip day in class to beat the traffic and also–I just don’t feel up to it. It’s been a very busy, trying week for me so I know I don’t have the energy to “sparkle” in a room filled with 100+ people. However, next week I am volunteering at a community law clinic hosted by someone who has had a very nontraditional career path and also happens to be a graduate of my undergrad alma mater. I’m hoping to cultivate her as a mentor and I know that in that smaller setting, we’ll have a chance for productive conversation.

So, I’m being very deliberate and trusting that God will put the right opportunities and people in my path. Every event I’ve gone to where I made real connections, I was either more excited than nervous or I just had a feeling that I needed to get over my reluctance. I’m not getting that feeling about the event tomorrow so I don’t feel bad about not going. You know what else I don’t feel bad about? Taking the February 2014 bar exam. I’m so sick to death of law school and everything related to it. I just don’t see myself settling in for 6 weeks of law school on steroids a week after graduation. My mind is totally on getting married and finding a non-law job and I don’t do anything half-assed if I don’t absolutely have to. A 6 month delay won’t mean anything in the long run.

This right here is MY life and I won’t live anyone else’s.

4 thoughts on “Boldly Myself

  1. IB says:

    Hello there! I have read your other blog Maybe So, and Maybe No and just started reading this one. I have noticed a trend where you state that you are not going to do something (law school, sit for the bar) and then you go ahead and do it anyway. Do you think that you will ultimately stick with the law? It seems like it.

    • Brownbelle says:

      *shrugs* I don’t know. I am constantly updating my decisions with the information I have on hand. If I happen to luck into a job that makes me happy in the field of law, I wouldn’t turn it down. But as for right now, I am pursuing job leads related to HR and (non-legal) public interest work.

      I probably seem more indecisive here on the blog than in real life because this is where I tend to vent out all my initial reactions and work through them, and come to my final decision later. But I have never been one to stick with a decision I later found out wasn’t right for me regardless of what people think. Thanks for reading & commenting!

    • Brownbelle says:

      Well, I obviously don’t know you but if you feel that strongly as a 1L I think you should cut your losses. I stayed because I went in knowing that traditional law wasn’t for me, and had a backup plan as to how I could get my JD to work for me in another field. Also, since I got a scholarship my debt would be about the same as it would be if I had dropped out & enrolled in a different graduate program.

      If neither of those apply to you, there’s no shame in quitting on something that won’t benefit you or make you happy.Either way, you’re definitely not alone. Good luck with your decision either way and thanks for reading!

      • IB says:

        Thank you for your response! I am actually not on any scholarships, so it is a really heft load of loans that I am taking out. Definitely a huge factor on my decision making process!

Leave a Reply